rottingroses

'A place that is mine.'

As I sit in that room,

That feels both so empty and far too full.

I think about how much I hate the walls.

A glance at the floor,

Littered in items I'm simply too exhausted to put away,

And sigh.

I look at my desk and I start to panic

I look to my dresser and the panic just gets worse.

I long for the room to be empty again,

I long to have the control once more,

To have the space.

I don't know what I want,

Or how to fix it-

I just know that room isn't mine,

Maybe it will never me mine.

The walls are a piercing white,

they feel so loud.

The dresser and the desk are white too,

And both are too full,

I wish they were empty.

I wish the room were empty,

So I could make it mine from the start.

And I think about how I don't know who I am anymore,

I'm lost..

I look around that room and search for just one thing that doesn't carry pain.

I find nothing.

Even these new walls seem like reminders of my past.

Reminders of how much I'm suffering.

As I sit in that room I glance at the piles of music equipment that has no home,

The chest with my dead name,

My terrible bedside table and I ask myself:

'Why is it so loud?'

'So painful?'

'So linked to the past?'

'Why do you need to escape that?'

'Can you ever escape it while you are there?'

'Will it ever be yours?'

As I sit in that room,

I long for a place that is mine.

24 April 2023

'To all those I fall for.'

To all those I fall for,

Those who I cant help but love.

Not even romantically,

I just cant help but love every part of who you are as a person.

I fall for you just as a leaf falls from a tree in the autumn breeze.

That is to say my falling in love with who you are is destined.

It is a part of myself I love, And that I also hate

But I could not imagine my life without it.

To all those I fall for,

I fall for you in a way I fall for no other.

Each person I fall for means so many different things to me all at once and inspires me in so many ways.

But,

To all those I fall for know that if something ever happened I would be heartbroken.

That is not to say I would be heartbroken if you needed to drift away.

But, I would be heartbroken if something ever happened to you.

To all those I fall for,

I will never stop falling.

Because who you are is something I will always,

Always,

Always,

Cherish.

It may sound sappy,

It may sound any number of things,

But I fall for you because you are an amazing person.

To all those I fall for,

And yes,

I fall for all those people far too often.

I could not imagine my life without you.

I don't care what circumstances led us to meet,

What I had to suffer through to get to where we are now.

And I would not change it for the world because,

To all those I fall for,

If my suffering meant I could meet someone as wonderful as you,

Then I did not suffer.

To all those I fall for,

Remember I don't just fall for you how most fall for one another.

I fall for you as a friend, I fall for you as anything you need me to be,

And as long as you need me I'm there.

So,

To all those I fall for,

Please just remember I will always care.

27 August 2023

'The Lift.'

A little girl complemented me today,

Innocence in her eyes,

She said, a little quietly,

‘I like your look’

Until,

She saw me smile.

Then,

Happy as can be

She remembered she is free.

She spoke rather sweetly.

I told her,

‘Thank you sweetheart’

And She smiled back at me,

I said,

‘I love your dress!’

So,

She did a little twirl.

Who would have thought,

Confidence can come from a compliment,

Given by a little girl.

5 December 2024

'Seasons.'

The air has forgotten the season,

The trees shed their leaves,

The bark grows dark and covered with moss,

And I roll up my long sleeves.

The sun begins to weaken,

The wind creates its breeze,

The children play in the playground,

I drift off to sleep.

The bees hum their tune,

Dancing merrily away,

The clouds begin to form now,

Here comes the rain.

The atmosphere is different,

The memory is weakening,

The universe seems to have forgotten,

All of the normal seasons.

I’m walking through a forest,

Fauna starts to freeze,

Its getting darker now,

Its time for me to flee.

The streets hum with light,

The boats carry the seas,

The flies are surrounding me,

And I’m finding it harder to breathe.

4 July 2025

'Kintsugi.'

There is a lasting pain in every part of this.

Body,

Mind,

World,

Ripped apart systematically.

Each piece crumbling in your hands.

But, in all of it a dreadful beauty shines.

While The crumbled pieces form back together,

You can place gold in every other one.

When the sun hits them the cracks will glow,

Some with pain,

But all will show.

There’s a dreadful peace in this moment,

You know that you are safe.

But,

When the sun shines,

You will remember,

Why each glimpse of gold was there.

One day soon my dear,

Flowers shall grow

Fill the once empty cracks with life,

They will complement the gold.

And that process is always slow,

But,

give it time you will know-

That when those cracks are filled with flowers,

Fixed up with that same gold,

The mind,

Body,

World and soul,

Will come together and make you whole.

These cracks tell your story,

Each petal a goal.

Each piece of gold makes your home,

My darling,

this is how you grow.

16 September 2025

'Returning.'

Sitting on the bus after I had left,

Watching my usual route pass by,

Seeing all the places I once saw,

They changed over time.

I’m a different person now,

I wear different clothes,

I speak a bit clearer,

Don’t need to stand on my tippy toes.

I’m sitting on the bus I once rode,

Listening to the playlist I made two autumns ago.

I speak clearer now.

Treat myself with grace.

Life can still be hard,

But I take it at my own pace.

I’m watching the rain fall.

But the city doesn’t feel gray,

It did once,

Not anymore,

Not now I’m okay.

20 September 2025

'Ones and Zeros.'

I’m staring at flowers my boyfriend got me,

The ones that lie there wilting when I wake.

Listening to Laufey make a promise.

Thinking about how much better I could be,

If I got off my phone,

Picked up the clothes all over my floor,

Owned just a few less things,

And finally wrote that album.

I’m talking to him through a screen,

Heavy words carried by a binary,

Dystopian in a sense,

To have a fire kindled through pixels,

When I have flowers that lie there wilting when I wake.

And like the flowers I lie there in pain,

Cut from the stem of my mother,

In image I’m just like her,

Heavy words carried by a binary.

Thinking,

Of how I could be better.

17 June 2026

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